16 BuzzFeed Article Ideas You Never Thought Would Make You LOL

After recently experiencing an alarming rise in blood pressure due to the amount of BuzzFeed links seen popping up on Facebook, Smits finally saw the error of his ways and embraced the new cultural phenomenon.  If everyone loves BuzzFeed, it can't be so bad right?  So what if it's just a cesspool of stolen images and shallow content, is it illegal to reminisce about your childhood or think cats are cute?  I don't think so!

After dedicating several of his precious minutes on Earth studying the content of the popular website's top articles, Smits now believes he has what it takes to become a BuzzFeed "writer."  That's right, ye olde readers, a few minutes is all the time it takes to be good at something.  Malcolm Gladwell and his 10,000 hours can drink my grundle juice.

KeyPAP encourages our readers to vote for your favorite article idea by writing in the comments section below.  If you choose the winning article, Smits will personally deliver you a swift kick to the cunt!

16 Reasons A Show You Watched A Couple Times During Your Childhood But Barely Remember Makes Your Generation Way Better Than The Current Generation

Remember that you enjoyed watching reruns of Growing Pains or Step By Step when you were a little kid?  Yeah, those shows were way better than today's shows.  I said it, so it's true.

22 Ways Being a [insert common profession here] Makes You Better Than Everyone Else And They Had Better Appreciate You Now

The only thing Facebook-addicted nurses and social workers like more than helping others is making sure everyone knows they're helping others.

25 Sluts You Probably Contracted Syphilis From If You Went to [insert large university here]

Thank you, JuicyCampus

14 Of The Cutest Cat Faces

Sad, happy, confused . . . it doesn't matter, the single female 30 and 40somethings will eat this shit up faster than you can say "spinster."

9 Reasons Why [insert celebrity here] Is Seriously The Best Person Ever

Did you fantasize about thrusting your meat stick through Angelina Jolie's beef curtains when you were a teenager?  Did you know she adopted a shit ton of little black babies?  She was hot and appears to be a good person based on what Us Weekly writes about her.  BEST.  PERSON.  EVER.  Don't worry, I'll be sure to upload every hard nipple/pouty lip photo of her you ever jerked off to.

It's working isn't it?

11 Ways Liking [Insert poular generagtion y children's movie here] Makes You Unique

Remember Toy Story?  I fucking loved that movie when I was a kid!  Since it was popular and taught us moral lessons which seem to trouble the world now, it makes me super unique.  Wait . . . what were those morals again?  Let me Google them real quick.

101 Recycled Memes I Found On The Internet But Didn't Cite

I collected every meme my "friends" ever posted on Facebook, and put them into this article.  It was a lot of hard work saving each file.

An Elderly Woman Walked Into The Grocery Store To Buy Peanuts, But You'll Never Guess What Happened Next

Hinting at an ironic twist?  Check.  It doesn't even matter what happened next.  She could have just paid for the peanuts and walked out of the store.  As long as you get a picture of an old broad with a bag of peanuts in her hands and post the link on Facebook, we get more traffic.  That's all that really matters in the end.  Gotta pay the bills, homeboy.

69 Of The [Greatest or Worst] Things That Could Possibly Happen to a[Teen/20something/30something] from [insert state or city here]

Are you a 19 year old dude who grew up in Pittsburgh?  What if they made the Squirrel Hill Tunnel a couple feet wider so that every shitty motorist on the Parkway didn't get claustrophobia at the tunnel approach and slam on their breaks . . . wouldn't that be the BEST GOD DAMN THING EVER?  Fuck, I'm getting a half-chub just thinking about it.

The Most [Inspirational/Disturbing] Video You'll Ever See About Cat Vaginas

Women love cats and men love vaginas.  It's biology, idiot.  "But how could a video about cat vaginas be inspirational?" Exactly . . . *click*

500 Cats That Will Make You Go LOLZ

Cat pictures with cute captions that someone else wrote.  It's spinster heaven and that lifestyle is totally in these days.

17 Reasons All Men Should Act More Like [insert effeminate, submissive, diffident male character from popular '80s, '90s, or 2000s sitcom]

e.g. Ross or Chandler from Friends, Robert from Everybody Loves Raymond, Carlton from Fresh Prince, Corey from Boy Meets World, etc.

41 Facts About You That Make You Just Fine The Way You Are

Forget that New Year's resolution to lose 20 lbs, don't you know that beauty is on the inside?  Also, please don't look at my next article.

The 20 Hottest Actresses Of All Time But Forgot About . . . Until Now

This article doesn't even require a single written word, just stolen pictures of a few actresses showing sideboob or rock hard nips.  Genius!

Wow, Just Wow

This is a nauseating phrase parotted by those in exasperation over a controversial topic.  If I just use the phrase as the title and put a picture of someone like Barack Obama or Bill O'Reilly in the link, I'll be sure to get like a zillion pageviews!

If You Don't Like This Video You Don't Have A Soul

Everyone wants to be "liked" (lulz). I'll just use a title that plays on their insecurities and link to some emotional video like Kony 2012 or a Dove fat chick commercial.

Thanks for reading, everybody. Let me know which ideas you like best!

Post by Maddox.

KeyPAP Perspectives: Milk Is Weird

by Dr. David Funk

In this edition of the KeyPAP perspective series we will be taking a closer look at Milk, and I will show you why milk is in fact, Weird.  Unfortunately for our regular readers across the globe I will be restraining myself, with no small effort, from using the salty language that you all are accustomed to.  For this I apologize, but I feel that this message must be suitable for the masses.  As for why salty language is not suitable for the masses, well that is a topic for future perspective series articles, but I digress.

Many young children have been encouraged to drink their milk regularly so that they will grow big and strong.  Regular Milk consumption has been encouraged to help form strong bones.  In practice, however, it has been observed that not only is milk bad for your bones, and a poor source of calcium for the body, but that it may actually increase your risk of fracture.  That, of course, is not what this article is about.  If you would like to learn more about why milk may be detrimental to your health then click here.  This article will be focused on the less important yet more entertaining issue of how weird milk is and why everyone ignores it.

The first point I would like to make against cow’s milk is that this is what a cow looks like:

It is truly a filthy disgusting animal.  When most people think about cows they think of the black and white cartoon drawing of a cow on their milk carton.  It is some abstract thought that they associate with milk, like a logo.  A cow is not a logo, it is a real, huge, smelly, gross animal with machines sucking liquid out of a smelly swollen veiny pouch between its legs.  That should be enough to help you understand that milk is weird but I shall continue.

Milk itself is not weird when used for its real purpose.  When babies drink their mother’s milk it’s awesome.  The mother produces the perfect food to help her baby grow, a food completely designed for babies with the perfect amount of nutrients, immune boosting bacteria, and the like.  It’s really incredible.  What blows my mind is that people, at some point, decided that we should start drinking cow milk, designed for baby cows.  This must have seemed preposterous the first time someone drank it.  I have to believe it was in some sort of survival scenario.  Over the years it seems that humans have not even made a valid attempt to make milk any less weird.  It’s stored in a waxy cardboard box for god’s  sake.  Even crazier is the fact that human milk is now considered more disgusting than cow’s milk.  Think about it, if you let your child go over to his friend’s house and his father said, “well for breakfast we gave them some cheerios with some organic breast milk” I think that father would probably have charges pressed against him.  He would be considered a sociopath if not a borderline criminal because he offered your child milk from a human instead of a fat corn fed anonymous cow from god knows where.

Do you know where human milk comes from?  It comes from the most publicized, shown off, and obsessed-over part of the female body.  But it is somehow considered disgusting to the general public (to be clear, I am not in favor of drinking breast milk as an adult; I’m just highlighting the fact that it should definitely seem less weird than drinking cow’s milk).  I dare you to go to a farm, find a cow, take a big whiff of its essence, and look it straight in the udders.  Then say, "I’d like to drink whatever liquid leaks out of that!" Now human milk is for babies and jokes in movies.  I saw a movie where a man drinks breast milk by accident and in the TV version of the movie that part was cut out! He drank it from a glass and all they did was say it was breast milk and they cut it from the movie.  Hypocritical? Maybe if you have ever seen a commercial with The Rock's upper lip smeared with the remnants of whole milk or watched an Indianapolis 500.

In conclusion I hope that you have come to understand that cow’s milk is weird and that no human should ever drink it.  I would be lying if I told you that I am never going to drink cow’s milk again, but I will at least feel ashamed of myself when I do.  And that, I think, is better.

Positively Progressing from the Perils of Paunch

A Memoir by Louis DiFez

As 2013 A.D. ended as devastatingly as it began, I reviewed the year in my life thus far.  I am in the process of accomplishing my goals:  I will be graduating with my Doctorate in Podiatric Medicine in May 2014, the KeyPAP flourishes brightly as ever, and overall I am happy with my life and the direction that it is in.  However, as I perused the annals of my individual 2013 history, I came to a part in my life that I was extremely dissatisfied, and, frankly, thoroughly disgusted with.

The paunch.

In its noun form, it means “a large and protruding belly; a potbelly.” Or also, in nautical terms, “a thick mat that prevents chafing.” I believe the first is more appropriate.

"This turtleneck is so good at being thick and the prevention of chafing.  I get Bonair's every time I put it on!"

I let myself go.  I became lazy, unenthused, and bored with exercising.  In 2013, I viewed working out not as a goal to continually better myself, but as an obstacle that lay between my studying, eating, and facebooking.  Luckily, two things changed my thoughts:

#1 – Consistent harassment from the Founding Fathers of the KeyPAP.

Harassment not in the sense of, “I’m going to file charges against you for harassing me and saying mean things and I am not MAN enough to handle it.” But the good kind.  The kind that stirs in your loins, lights a fire from deep within, and looks to expel all of the terrible things inside of you in order to make yourself the best possible human.  Dr. Funk, Smits, the First Ladies, and lastly, The One Known as Beebles (TOKaB, for short) all constantly harassed me, and rightly so.  I was still muscular, but shapeless.  I had a midsection of Play-Doh®.  I felt as doughy as an uncooked stromboli.  I needed the abuse, I thrived off the abuse, and I turned it from a negative to a positive.

#2 – Smits MANLY performance as the first ever KeyPAP 2013 Strongman Performance of the Year.

We all saw the videos, heard the grunts of pain and agony, but reveled in his strength and mastering of the perilous weights.  He achieved victory as only a man of the KeyPAP can:  through a skin-tight, nearly bulge-showing, wrestling singlet.  Smits was a man of action, and I wanted it back.

I yearned for the sound of iron.  I missed the feel of the cold, never wiped-down, probably loaded with tetanus and MRSA, steel on my hands.  I pined as I would get ready to shower, seeing the abomination that I had become. “If I don’t think I look good, surely the opposite sex thinks I’m revolting,” thoughts ran through my head.  I needed to change.

I began to eat healthier and less.  I also began running to the gym from my Philadelphia house.  And when at the gym, I worked out like the old days of college - like a MAN.  No more of this, “I think I’m going to do 3x20 bench press of 135 lbs.” crap.  I began to bulk back up, like only a meatball can.

I am still in the process of changing my lifestyle and body, but I am fully committed.  2014 will be the year that the paunch is defeated.  Even as I sit here now, my muscles call out from within to be burned.  As the great Arnold once eloquently stated:

I will leave you all with 2 inspirational quotes that I use daily, while in the process of Purging the Paunch™.

“Be strong and of a good courage.  Act for the best, hope for the best, and take what comes . . . If death ends all, we cannot meet death better.” – James Fitzjames Stephen

“Time for dem gymtitties!” – Me

The Great Awakening

by Dr. David Funk

9:00 am EST

"What should I do at the gym today?" I shamefully asked myself since I had no plan of attack for the day.  It’s true, I have a workout routine over the last few months that is as shameful as it has been in at least 10 years.  This unplanned schedule is a breeding ground for future paunch, self-loathing and unachieved goals.  I realized this as I sat in my living room, fatly watching ESPN2 cover the three stories of the week.  In that moment I felt a surge in my belly, not in my ample adipose tissue hanging over the taut elastic of my pajamas, but deep inside where a man’s spirit lies.  I was compelled; I walked outside into the unusually warm December weather and looked out from my second story balcony to the highest point of my surroundings.  The surge said to me, "Today you will climb." It was not up for debate, it was a command issued from the depths of my soul.

The Trail

I set out toward my mountain along a trail that I was very familiar with, the sights and sounds of soccer moms and their puffball dogs were commonplace on this path.  I had never ventured off of this trail before.  It was well marked, it was level, it was safe.

When I arrived at the base of the mountain where I planned to begin my assault on the summit I discovered, much to my chagrin, that its base was completely surrounded by houses.  To continue on my journey I would have to trespass, in broad daylight, in a community that lands on the extreme right of political issues.  The risk was not a small one but it was one I was willing to take.  I daringly broke trail and stepped into a yard boasting a truck whose lift kit surely cost more than the machine.  I strode through the residential back yard dodging dog dumplings like landmines the whole way.  I gazed at the house all the while picturing a man, with more first names than teeth, bursting from it waving his second amendment rights in my general direction.  At the end of the yard I clambered over the stone wall that marked its end and began my accent.

The Ascent

I looked out into the terrain that I would soon be traveling on.  The ground was still wet with droplets from the morning dew.  A thin refreshing layer of fog hung low on the dead trees and rocks that formed the mountains floor.  The lay of the land was not intimidating, in fact the mountain itself seemed at first glance no more than a large hill.  As I began to walk up the gradual incline I could feel my heart starting to beat a little more quickly, I could feel the cool December air satisfyingly stroking my face as I pushed through the woods.  Something primal was stirred inside of me, a thought that this would be what the world looked like if humans had never left their grotesque mark on the planet.  I remained enamored with this thought, hardly able to comprehend it in my own mind, or why it weighed so heavily on it in the first place.  I thought about the fact that I could have easily passed this time by sitting on my couch barely moving except to gorge my face with salty foods, a practice I am no stranger to.  But I had made the right choice.  This, I decided, was where I belonged.  My pace quickened, even breaking into a childlike run at times, the kind of run where you just move your body through space and time out of pure excitement.  It was a kind of run, I thought, that is not commonplace in the morose land of adult decorum.  I wove my way in and out of the heavily wooded mountainside, walking on logs, climbing on top of large rocks. I could start to see the mountain rising at a greater slope and all at once the trees cleared and I saw what remained of my climb.

Summit

I peered through the remainder of the trees trying to get a good look at the climb ahead.  I had anticipated a gentle grade that would lead me to a relatively easy summit.  Gentle grade this was not; this was a sharply inclining grade that culminated in a 90 degree wall of intimidating rock as craggy as a cancerous prostate.  I began to climb the steepening mountainside, each step harder than the last.  My lungs burned white hot and pleaded for a rest, I could feel my legs filling with lactic acid as they begged for reprieve.  I had gone into a trance; I could feel the summit beckoning me.  I finally paused, out of breath, when I arrived at the rock face that guarded the summit.

The stone rose beastly from the ground without warning like some sort of sinister push pop.  The wall was 12 feet high if it was a foot, and I had to form a plan of attack.  There were several somewhat easy routs over the wall but I was maddened by the climb.  If I may borrow from the great alpinist and author Jon “5 star” Krakauer,

“Climbing was a magnificent activity, I firmly believed, not in spite of the inherent perils, but precisely because of them.”

With those words in mind I took the most difficult rout I could handle.  I started up the face of the rock wall, the rocks were cold and much more slippery than I anticipated.  They were moss covered and it occurred to me that I may be the only person in a very long time to have been here.  I neared the top clumsily and my foot slipped from its hold.  I could feel my heart drop as I lost my balance.  Luckily I regained my footing, but not before I sent a dead stump hurtling down the mountain falling meters to a rocky demise that reduced it to unsanitized toothpicks.  My mind did not hesitate to make the connection that this could very well have been my fate.  I climbed to the top and expected to be standing triumphant over citizens of Shavertown.  To my surprise there was another climb that culminated in yet another wall of earth that was taller and more intimidating than the first.
 
I began to climb the second rock wall, the craggy moss laden demon that stood in my way toward the summit.  Midway up the wall I grabbed a small branch to hoist myself when - SNAP - the tree gave way.  My feet slid down the mossy slope of rock they were perched on toward the nothingness that marked the rocks end.  I was going down.  I reached blindly in the area of the broken branch and caught a root with my left hand saving me from tumbling down the mountain.  I stood there badly shaken.  My mind felt clouded, perhaps the beginning of hypoxia.  I had, after all, climbed hundreds of feet above sea level to perch myself on this precarious ledge. I was woefully underprepared for this moment. I was wearing a long t-shirt, jeans and boots. I had no carabiners, no ropes, and I was smack dab in the middle of a 12 hour fast.  The brashness of my preparation, or lack thereof was staggering to me in that moment.  I had never climbed anything before, and I was attempting to solo climb this rocky whore of a mountain without safety gear, without food, or water, and not enough clothing to make a bivouac until I regained my strength.  The climb back down the mountain was too treacherous, the rock wall I was on was too slippery and I would have to descend a second rock wall after it.  The thought of slipping on the wet leaves, as I approached the ledge of the lower rock wall, and hurtling over it was sickening to me.  I would have to climb up the mountain and find an easier way down. In that moment I thought of my wife, the beautiful first First Lady of the KeyPAP.  What would she think if I lost my footing?  The only people who knew I was out here at all were hundreds if not thousands of miles away from here and would not know where to look in the first place.  I could not place that burden upon her shoulders.  No, it is in her that I found the strength and determination to move on.  I struggled mightily to the top of the second wall battling my own limbs which trembled with fear.
 

 

On the top, the mountain smiled mockingly at me with a third rock wall.  There were trees twisting from the side of the wall, reaching towards the heavens, as if they were daring me to continue.  I realized that it was not up to me - in the end, the mountain would decide my fate.  I thought then that it might not be so bad to be seated on my couch vegitizing in front of the TV.  I shook the thought off and stormed toward the third rock wall, my blood boiling at the mockery of the mountain.  If the mountain wanted me, it was going to have to fucking take me.  I tore at the third wall tossing loose rocks by the wayside, climbing with great fervor and strength.  I was moving but it was as if my body was moving for me, I was just along for the ride.  In minutes I stood atop the nameless mountain.  The mountain, fittingly, did not reward me with a spectacular view, those heaven bound trees did all that they could to obscure it.

Descent

I was able to find an easy way down the mountain.  Once my descent began I noticed that I was absolutely drenched in sweat.  At several hundred feet above sea level this could have proven treacherous if the weather turned.  Luckily I was graced with clear skies the whole way down.  I stepped out of the woods on a road labeled Carverton.  I knew where I was, back to safety, and decided that I would stay there for a long while.  As I began the walk back to my apartment I looked ahead of me, away from the mountain that had spared me.  I walked around the bend of the road and saw through the clearing another mountain appear, dominating the horizon, looming over me something sinister, and I felt my spirit stir once again.

Worldwide Pandemic: Do You Have Bonair's?

Recently every single member of the Keystone Professional Association of Pennsylvania came down with recurring bouts of Acute Onset Bonair's Disease, or Bonair's for short.  What are the signs of this devastating illness and what can you do to prevent it?  You've come to the right place to learn, ye olde loyal readers.

Background

Bonair's is defined as the involuntary engorging of the penile tissue.  It is sometimes unrelated to sexual stimulation.  For example, one may find upon waking up that he has a raging boner.

 

Pathophysiology

Erection is the result of smooth-muscle relaxation and increased arterial flow causing engorgement and rigidity.  See image below:

"Awww SHIT, I got Bonair's again!"

 

Epidemiology

Frequency of Bonair's is three to five times a night during REM sleep, upon wakening, and throughout the day whenever a man is exposed to titillating visual or psychological stimuli.  It typically persists from puberty until death.

On average 99.9% of males on Earth are victims of Bonair's.  Eunuchs and diabetics comprise the 0.1% of the unafflicted male population.

Bonair's is painful at onset, but has an almost nonexistent mortality/morbidity rate.  One notable exception is that one sex scene in Golden Eye where Xenia Onatopp squeezes the life out of that guy with a beard while trying to administer the antidote.  More on that later . . .

Bonair's afflicts unsuspecting males all over Earth, regardless of race and age (provided the male has already reached puberty).

There are two common causes of Bonair's.  The first is a reflex erection caused by a full bladder because of nerve stimulation in the spinal cord, which is most common upon wakening.  The second is also a reflex erection, but it is caused by physical or psychological stimulation increasing blow flow to spongy tissues in the penis.  Consequently the blood engorged penis becomes grossly erect.
 

History

Patients with Bonair's report recurring unwelcome erections.  Bonair's usually manifests itself in an episodic manner.  The physical stimuli may change over time, but the symptoms remain the same throughout one's life.  For example, a man may have had bouts of Bonair's while looking at his father's hidden Playboy magazines in his teenage years, while courting a co-ed during a college party in his early twenties, and while watching Brazilian fart porn during his 30s and 40s.

 

Physical

Inspection:  obvious raging erection is a key physical finding in the examination process.  Flesh need not be fully exposed to the medical professional for accurate detection.

Palpation:  a rigid erection will be felt upon stroking the organ.

Differential Diagnoses

Phone in pocket with protruding antenna.

Lab Tests

Blood work.

Porphobilinogen (PBG) measurement.

Nocturnal Penile Tumescence (NPT) Test - a device around the penis during sleep that detects changes in girth and relays the information to a computer for later analysis.

Erection Self Test (EST) - 1 cent stamps are bought in a roll.  A string of several of these stamps are wrapped around the mid shaft of the penis.  They are moistened and allowed to form a continuous ring around this portion of the penis.  Intermittently, the man checks to see if the strip of stamps is broken.  If so, this indicates that the shaft of the penis has swelled and hardened at some point.  If the stamps remain unbroken, no erection has occurred.

 

Imaging

Dopplar Ultra Sonography to view blood flow through the penile shaft.

Penile Radiograph.  See X-ray below:

Treatment

"Do you have Bonair's? Let me help you with that."

 

Alternative Care

Take a piss

Hire a prostitute

Use a fleshlight

Choke the chicken

Insert your member between two soft couch cushions

Insert your member into a warm apple pie

Insert your member into an attractive willing female companion's orifice

Insert your member into the orifice of an unattractive willing female with at least one redeeming quality

Medication

High quantities of alcohol

Trojan Extended Pleasure condoms

Cold weather

Swimming pool

Other dudes

Ugly bitches

Complications

When an erection lasts for longer than four hours the blood trapped in the penis is deprived of oxygen which can begin to damage or destroy penile tissue leading to disfigurement.

Public shaming and embarassment.  To prevent detection in public, a man riddled with Bonair's would be wise to secure his shaft in the "headlock" position.

Blue balls.

 

Prognosis

The prognosis depends on the duration of symptoms, the patients age, and the underlying pathology.  The time to treatment is the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT FACTOR affecting the outcome of Bonair's.  Education is the best way to avoid undesirable outcomes.  Females especially should become familiar with the symptoms so that they may immediately apply the antidote upon detection of Bonair's.

 

Prevention

Current technologies have not evolved fast enough to prevent this pandemic.  Men must learn to recognize Bonair's when they have it and women must have the know-how to administer the antidote at any given time.

The Game That Was Almost Forgotten

Cast in the shadows of other more important life events, the 2014 Penn Tower Classic Qualifier was an illustrious tournament that did not receive the news coverage that it deserved.  A homecoming of sorts, the KeyPAP clan returned to the illustrious Commonwealth of Pennsylvania to face off with the rest of the KeyPAP Tour for the right to compete in 2014's version of the most grueling tournament ever conceived - the Penn Tower Classic.  There were no crowds or reporters for this round of golf, but the talent level on display for the KeyPAP Tour's Penn Tower Classic Qualifier was evident yet again.

With three months for the competitors to recoup their mental faculties after the hellacious 2013 Penn Tower Classic, Beebles, Dr. Funk, Smits, and Fez took to the 4 star Toftrees Golf Club in State College, Pennslvania in hopes of continuing their dominance as the top foursome on the KeyPAP Tour.  The right to compete in the 2014 version of the Penn Tower Classic was up for the taking and no one wanted to let their chance at getting their name engraved on the PTC championship trophy slip away.

Fez came to the Qualifier with a chip on his shoulder after finishing last in this summer's Penn Tower Classic.  He took an early lead at #1 and stood atop the leaderboard for most of the day.  However, his actions at the previous KeyPAP meeting where he fell asleep during 2013 KeyPAP Band of the Year Big Feast's performance for the ages, he incurred a vicious punishment:  he would be subject to unlimited heckling from all other competitors while playing the final hole.  This punishment proved to be fatal as Dr. Funk unnerved Fez during each shot on #18.

While Fez took great strides to prove his worth on the KeyPAP Tour after a last place finish at the 2013 PTC, another competitor's stock plummeted.

It is well known that Drake started from the bottom now he here.  In polar opposite fashion, Beebles fell from his vulnerable position atop the KeyPAP Tour to the depths of complete and utter despair at this year's Qualifier.  He started the day in fourth place behind Fez, Dr. Funk, and Smits and stayed there for the remainder of the day without even threatening for a third place finish.  In fact, the 2013 El Campeon barely qualified for the 2014 Penn Tower Classic!  Three straight shots into the pond off the tee at #9 sealed his fate before he even got to the turn.  But be on the lookout for a rebound next summer at the 2014 PTC:  predators are most dangerous when wounded, and this cat sure doesn't like the taste of defeat.

Smits played much the same in the Qualifier as he did in at the 2013 PTC.  Inconsistent with an impressive birdie and several pars but also holes in excess of triple bogey.  But he stayed in the hunt long enough to take the lead at #17.  After hitting his best tee shot of the day to start #18 and the green jacket a few strokes away, however, he became more jittery than a junebug in a hen house.  He sailed his second shot over the green and onto the unforgiving mulch.  Several unsuccessful chip shots later he finally managed to get the ball onto the green, but by then it was too late to salvage his grasp on the lead.

Despite being down two strokes heading onto the tee at #18 and hooking his tee shot into the woods, Dr. Funk took a drop ball and placed a tremendous iron shot on the green for his third stroke while Smits faltered in the mulch.  With a crisp 2-putt he stood alone atop the leaderboard for the only time that day.  But he managed to do it at the only time that mattered:  the end.

With no one there to fully chronicle the five hours of elite athleticism and mental strain which took place at the PTCQ, we are only left with pictures.  Fear not, dear reader; though you won't be able to relive the experience of this event like you did the 2013 PTC, the pictures are as striking, graceful, and savage as a mountain lion.

Smits, Beebles, and Dr. Funk fuel themselves with Old Forge pizza and Busch Light prior to traveling to the PTCQ.

Fez ropes one onto the center of the fairway at #2.

An immaculate display of pure strength by Dr. Funk.  Notice the whip he creates in the shaft of his driver just before impact.

Beebles makes up for his sliced iron shot with a beautiful pitch onto the center of the green.

With unbreakable concentration, Fez lines up his putt.

Smits almost gets a hole-in-one at #3.  He went on to sink the birdie putt.

Despite being in questionable physical condition for this Qualifier, Fez led the tournament for most of the day.  Here we see his paunch in full display while waiting for the green to clear.

Smits coils back just before striking this tee shot at the dogleg left #5.

In this sequence, Beebles lines up and hits a lengthy putt.  Mere inches from a birdie against all odds, all he can do is laugh at how close he came.

Smits with a picture perfect follow through on this narrow tee shot through the woods.

Dr. Funk tees off at the picturesque #8.

Beebles crushes this tee shot into the night sky.

Beebles falters off the tee at #9.  Three times in a row he put his tee shot into the pond before he managed to put stroke number 7 across and onto the fairway.  He tries to laugh it off, but his body language confirmed that he was really crying on the inside.

Dr. Funk with an immaculate iron shot on #18.  This shot put him on the green and allowed him to overtake Smits on the last hole for the green jacket and #1 ranking on the KeyPAP Tour.

KeyPAP Perspectives: Smits Weighs In On the Barilla Controversy

Remarks made by Barilla Pasta chairman, Guido Barilla, in a recent interview with an Italian radio station have received a lot of attention on the interwebz over the last few days.  Unfortunately the full interview is only available in Italian, therefore my information has come solely from American and British news outlets instead of the real source.  All of these news outlets have slightly different translations of Barilla's comments, but the general message is quite clear.  For those not familiar with the story, here is Smits' Official Abridged Summary:

• Barilla does radio interview to promote his products
• Interviewer asks if he would put a gay couple in his commercials
• Barilla says no, he believes in the traditional family
• Equality Italia, a civil rights group, calls for a boycott of Barilla products, and notoriously liberal news outlets, such as Huffington Post and The Guardian among many others, label Guido Barilla anti-gay and a bigot.

"Herr Smits, surely you won't use this news story to shove your political opinions down our throats on such a reputable website.  You yourself have been known to despise such debates on account of people only becoming more entrenched and unwavering in their original beliefs."

Why, thank you, most trusting of hypothetical KeyPAP readers - you are correct.

The fact that there is backlash over Barilla's comments at all is what I find most disturbing.  What this story boils down to is human rights focus groups and liberal media outlets who strive to spread the message of tolerance and equality for all people, are attempting to eliminate Guido Barilla's source of income because, ironically, they do not tolerate his worldview concerning gay families.  The viewpoint is question is utterly irrelevant.  Equality Italia has not called for a discussion or that he step away from his position as chairman.  No, they are coming after his bread, his ability to provide for himself and his family.  If you don't agree with our agenda then you must be destroyed.  

What's most dangerous about stories like this is that they're covered up under the noble guise of human rights.  But make no mistake, this kind of mentality allowed to permeate a democracy is unmistakeably poisonous.  A minority focus group which has the power to crush anyone who doesn't agree with their views is called an oligarchy.  I don't think that's what the Founding Fathers had in mind.

Sadly, rather than defending his opinion and his right to have one, he issued an apology a few days after the interview in the wake of the international backlash.  Rather than holding true to his core beliefs, he caved and made a desperate, pathetic apology.

This story has also been an extremely convenient distraction for the United States government.  While the sheep wail away on social networks and lesser blogs than the KeyPAP's about whether or not Barilla's comments were anti-gay and an expression of outrageous bigotry, the politicians in the U.S. federal government breathe a collective sigh of relief as less attention is being paid to the shutdown.  They love it when we bicker over inconsequential shit like Barilla's comments.  Real issues such as your premium potentially quadrupling under the new health care law, a declining stock market, and the broken world economy are swept under the rug while they literally collect their paychecks without working.

Do not stand for focus groups who try to stand on moral high ground while simultaneously attempting to destroy an innocent man because his worldview does not conform to their agenda.  As a KeyPAP man, I sincerely value the freedom Americans should have to form their own opinions based on how they see the world.  May shame be brought all oppressors.

Passionately,
Smits