Once More, Unto the Breach: Fez-isms, Speak Like the Sexual Satch, Yahmsayin?

by Louis "Satchel" DiFez

Before we begin, let us venture deep unto the breach of my mind. We need something to set the mood, so go ahead and press play.

Ohhhh yeahhhhhh.  Uhhhhhhhh.

Let me preface this whole article with one simple, unmistakable fact:  I am a weird person.  I make funny mouth noises, I have strange thoughts, and I will say literally anything that I am thinking.  I am a weirdo, and I have no problem admitting that.

However, I feel as if my good friends have no idea what I am saying most of the time.  Or if they do know what I am saying, they have no idea what I actually mean.  Oddly enough, I usually have no idea what I mean either, until I sit down and think about it.  I have made it my goal to not only illuminate you on what I say and what it means, but for me to personally reflect on the crap that I say and what it really means to me.

Thus, I give you my baby:  Fez-isms.

Yahmean

Contraction for “do you know what I mean?”
Example: Let’s go hunting for the ladies tonight, yahmean?

Yahmsayin

Contraction for “do you know what I am saying?”
Example: “Dude, she looked so hot that I blew it real quick, yahmsayin?”

Doe

Word substitute for “though”
Example: “I’ma put the team on my back, doe.”

Jawn

A female, particularly of ample attractiveness.
Example: “Hey man, check out that jawn over there.  She got that big ol’ booty.”

"Yeah, I got that big ol' booty."

Fux wit it

It actually doesn’t mean what you think, but it also can mean exactly what it sounds like, depending on its usage.  Normally, I intend it to mean “Do you want to do this specific thing?” However, it can mean exactly what it sounds like, fux’n wit it, fux’n on them jawns, yahmean?
Example: “Hey, you tryna fux wit dinner tonight?”  “Yeah brah, does 6pm sound good?”

69/69 style

It is clearly referencing the best sensual position.  69 is also the best number, other acceptable numbers are 6.9, 6969, or anything ending with 69.
Example: “Dude, how many beers did you drink last night?”  “Like 69, brah.”

Veiny

From the movie “Waiting” where it is used in the context of the bat-wing scrotum and it is exclaimed, “Ohhh, it’s so veinyyyy!” Generally, veiny is a positive thing, kind of like loins, which will be covered shortly.  Anything that you’re excited about can be veiny, and also, anything that is appropriately literally veiny may also be veiny as well.
Example: “Yo how excited are you that it’s Friday?” “Ohhhh, it makes me so veinyyy.”

Bonair’s

My personal favorite, it means exactly what it sounds like: boner.  However, I did not come up with this. The one known as Dr. Funk devised its name.  The story goes as follows: while in Spring Mills, PA for a weekend, Funk was laying with the First 1st Lady of the KeyPAP, Troltits.  As I lay in bed, I heard him speak tenderly to the Trol, “I have Bonair’s disease.” I immediately began crying laughing, as it was the funniest thing I’ve heard in a while.  This was inserted instantly in my everyday vernacular.  However, it became modified, which I will take credit for.  Acute Onset Bonair’s is the blood flow type, as caused by a jawn.  Chronic Bonair’s is of the morning variety, usually due to bladder backup.  For more information on Bonair’s, check this out.  Lately, I have been using it in conjunction when I am excited about something, I say that it gives me “the thickest of Bonair’s.”
Example: “Finally being able to go out every weekend gives me the thickest of Bonair’s!”

Yarp

Yes (said in a vague pirate accent) – taken from the movie “Hot Fuzz.” If you have not seen this movie, you should definitely be all up in that.
Example: “Are you gonna drink some beers tonight?” “Yarp.”

Narp

No (said in a vague pirate accent) – again, from “Hot Fuzz.”
Example: “Are you gonna drink some jawn-drinks tonight?” “Narp.”

Brah

Substitute for “bro.” One of your boys.
Example: “What up, brah?”

"Nothin's up, you stupid sumbitch.  And that's the bottom line!"

I smell ya

Substitute for “I understand what you are saying.”
Example: “I sucked at golf today.”  “Me too, man, I smell ya.”

Bukkake Salad

Probably my newest and not frequently used.  Blowing a hot, sticky one and/or a multitude of bukkakes. For those of you who do not know what a “bukkake” is, go on the tremendously educational Urban Dictionary and check it out for yourself.  Fun fact:  in my younger days I thought “bukkake”
(correctly pronounced boo-kah-key) was actually pronounced “buh-cake.” Stupid . . . I know.
Example 1: “Dude, I heard you and Molly hooked up!”  “Yeah bro, straight up bukkake salad errwhere, yahmean?"
Example 2: “I gave her the sweet bukkake salad last night like BLLLAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!  All over the place, baby!”

Bung/Bunghole

The anal sphincter, the entrance to the brown highway, the butthole.
Example: “I poop out the bung.”

Loins

For the most part, I mean it as my reproductive organ.  However, it can mean any part of your body.
Example: “My loins tingle in anticipation of tonight.”

I also like to use Olde English (O-E baby!) words, such as:  Ye, Thy, Doth, Mine (as in mine own), etc. Welp, that’s about it for now.  The single most important factor in using my Fez-isms is:  embrace the weirdness. Also, it is important to give credit when credit is due, i.e. the Bonair’s with Dr. Funkteets. Lastly, all words can be used in conjunction with others, and obviously this is highly encouraged.  As I develop more weird phrases/words, I will surely post them at once.

Good luck, I hope they work out for you, and may the jawn be wit you, doe.

KeyPAP Expressions: A Superfecta of Haikus

by Louis "Satchel" DiFez

Winter Lust

Eyes gaze longingly

Pulsating, her hands run down

Graze my bulge, Bonair's

6:28 AM

Throne, without a king

Strewn over the clear abyss

Calm thyself.  Now, poop.

Feeding Time

The table is set.

Succulent smells fill the air.

Fried shitty foods. PAUNCH.

One Pump

Enter the darkness

Cavernous slit of pleasure

Love explosion . . . moan

KeyPAP Perspectives: Milk Is Weird

by Dr. David Funk

In this edition of the KeyPAP perspective series we will be taking a closer look at Milk, and I will show you why milk is in fact, Weird.  Unfortunately for our regular readers across the globe I will be restraining myself, with no small effort, from using the salty language that you all are accustomed to.  For this I apologize, but I feel that this message must be suitable for the masses.  As for why salty language is not suitable for the masses, well that is a topic for future perspective series articles, but I digress.

Many young children have been encouraged to drink their milk regularly so that they will grow big and strong.  Regular Milk consumption has been encouraged to help form strong bones.  In practice, however, it has been observed that not only is milk bad for your bones, and a poor source of calcium for the body, but that it may actually increase your risk of fracture.  That, of course, is not what this article is about.  If you would like to learn more about why milk may be detrimental to your health then click here.  This article will be focused on the less important yet more entertaining issue of how weird milk is and why everyone ignores it.

The first point I would like to make against cow’s milk is that this is what a cow looks like:

It is truly a filthy disgusting animal.  When most people think about cows they think of the black and white cartoon drawing of a cow on their milk carton.  It is some abstract thought that they associate with milk, like a logo.  A cow is not a logo, it is a real, huge, smelly, gross animal with machines sucking liquid out of a smelly swollen veiny pouch between its legs.  That should be enough to help you understand that milk is weird but I shall continue.

Milk itself is not weird when used for its real purpose.  When babies drink their mother’s milk it’s awesome.  The mother produces the perfect food to help her baby grow, a food completely designed for babies with the perfect amount of nutrients, immune boosting bacteria, and the like.  It’s really incredible.  What blows my mind is that people, at some point, decided that we should start drinking cow milk, designed for baby cows.  This must have seemed preposterous the first time someone drank it.  I have to believe it was in some sort of survival scenario.  Over the years it seems that humans have not even made a valid attempt to make milk any less weird.  It’s stored in a waxy cardboard box for god’s  sake.  Even crazier is the fact that human milk is now considered more disgusting than cow’s milk.  Think about it, if you let your child go over to his friend’s house and his father said, “well for breakfast we gave them some cheerios with some organic breast milk” I think that father would probably have charges pressed against him.  He would be considered a sociopath if not a borderline criminal because he offered your child milk from a human instead of a fat corn fed anonymous cow from god knows where.

Do you know where human milk comes from?  It comes from the most publicized, shown off, and obsessed-over part of the female body.  But it is somehow considered disgusting to the general public (to be clear, I am not in favor of drinking breast milk as an adult; I’m just highlighting the fact that it should definitely seem less weird than drinking cow’s milk).  I dare you to go to a farm, find a cow, take a big whiff of its essence, and look it straight in the udders.  Then say, "I’d like to drink whatever liquid leaks out of that!" Now human milk is for babies and jokes in movies.  I saw a movie where a man drinks breast milk by accident and in the TV version of the movie that part was cut out! He drank it from a glass and all they did was say it was breast milk and they cut it from the movie.  Hypocritical? Maybe if you have ever seen a commercial with The Rock's upper lip smeared with the remnants of whole milk or watched an Indianapolis 500.

In conclusion I hope that you have come to understand that cow’s milk is weird and that no human should ever drink it.  I would be lying if I told you that I am never going to drink cow’s milk again, but I will at least feel ashamed of myself when I do.  And that, I think, is better.

Positively Progressing from the Perils of Paunch

A Memoir by Louis DiFez

As 2013 A.D. ended as devastatingly as it began, I reviewed the year in my life thus far.  I am in the process of accomplishing my goals:  I will be graduating with my Doctorate in Podiatric Medicine in May 2014, the KeyPAP flourishes brightly as ever, and overall I am happy with my life and the direction that it is in.  However, as I perused the annals of my individual 2013 history, I came to a part in my life that I was extremely dissatisfied, and, frankly, thoroughly disgusted with.

The paunch.

In its noun form, it means “a large and protruding belly; a potbelly.” Or also, in nautical terms, “a thick mat that prevents chafing.” I believe the first is more appropriate.

"This turtleneck is so good at being thick and the prevention of chafing.  I get Bonair's every time I put it on!"

I let myself go.  I became lazy, unenthused, and bored with exercising.  In 2013, I viewed working out not as a goal to continually better myself, but as an obstacle that lay between my studying, eating, and facebooking.  Luckily, two things changed my thoughts:

#1 – Consistent harassment from the Founding Fathers of the KeyPAP.

Harassment not in the sense of, “I’m going to file charges against you for harassing me and saying mean things and I am not MAN enough to handle it.” But the good kind.  The kind that stirs in your loins, lights a fire from deep within, and looks to expel all of the terrible things inside of you in order to make yourself the best possible human.  Dr. Funk, Smits, the First Ladies, and lastly, The One Known as Beebles (TOKaB, for short) all constantly harassed me, and rightly so.  I was still muscular, but shapeless.  I had a midsection of Play-Doh®.  I felt as doughy as an uncooked stromboli.  I needed the abuse, I thrived off the abuse, and I turned it from a negative to a positive.

#2 – Smits MANLY performance as the first ever KeyPAP 2013 Strongman Performance of the Year.

We all saw the videos, heard the grunts of pain and agony, but reveled in his strength and mastering of the perilous weights.  He achieved victory as only a man of the KeyPAP can:  through a skin-tight, nearly bulge-showing, wrestling singlet.  Smits was a man of action, and I wanted it back.

I yearned for the sound of iron.  I missed the feel of the cold, never wiped-down, probably loaded with tetanus and MRSA, steel on my hands.  I pined as I would get ready to shower, seeing the abomination that I had become. “If I don’t think I look good, surely the opposite sex thinks I’m revolting,” thoughts ran through my head.  I needed to change.

I began to eat healthier and less.  I also began running to the gym from my Philadelphia house.  And when at the gym, I worked out like the old days of college - like a MAN.  No more of this, “I think I’m going to do 3x20 bench press of 135 lbs.” crap.  I began to bulk back up, like only a meatball can.

I am still in the process of changing my lifestyle and body, but I am fully committed.  2014 will be the year that the paunch is defeated.  Even as I sit here now, my muscles call out from within to be burned.  As the great Arnold once eloquently stated:

I will leave you all with 2 inspirational quotes that I use daily, while in the process of Purging the Paunch™.

“Be strong and of a good courage.  Act for the best, hope for the best, and take what comes . . . If death ends all, we cannot meet death better.” – James Fitzjames Stephen

“Time for dem gymtitties!” – Me

Worldwide Pandemic: Do You Have Bonair's?

Recently every single member of the Keystone Professional Association of Pennsylvania came down with recurring bouts of Acute Onset Bonair's Disease, or Bonair's for short.  What are the signs of this devastating illness and what can you do to prevent it?  You've come to the right place to learn, ye olde loyal readers.

Background

Bonair's is defined as the involuntary engorging of the penile tissue.  It is sometimes unrelated to sexual stimulation.  For example, one may find upon waking up that he has a raging boner.

 

Pathophysiology

Erection is the result of smooth-muscle relaxation and increased arterial flow causing engorgement and rigidity.  See image below:

"Awww SHIT, I got Bonair's again!"

 

Epidemiology

Frequency of Bonair's is three to five times a night during REM sleep, upon wakening, and throughout the day whenever a man is exposed to titillating visual or psychological stimuli.  It typically persists from puberty until death.

On average 99.9% of males on Earth are victims of Bonair's.  Eunuchs and diabetics comprise the 0.1% of the unafflicted male population.

Bonair's is painful at onset, but has an almost nonexistent mortality/morbidity rate.  One notable exception is that one sex scene in Golden Eye where Xenia Onatopp squeezes the life out of that guy with a beard while trying to administer the antidote.  More on that later . . .

Bonair's afflicts unsuspecting males all over Earth, regardless of race and age (provided the male has already reached puberty).

There are two common causes of Bonair's.  The first is a reflex erection caused by a full bladder because of nerve stimulation in the spinal cord, which is most common upon wakening.  The second is also a reflex erection, but it is caused by physical or psychological stimulation increasing blow flow to spongy tissues in the penis.  Consequently the blood engorged penis becomes grossly erect.
 

History

Patients with Bonair's report recurring unwelcome erections.  Bonair's usually manifests itself in an episodic manner.  The physical stimuli may change over time, but the symptoms remain the same throughout one's life.  For example, a man may have had bouts of Bonair's while looking at his father's hidden Playboy magazines in his teenage years, while courting a co-ed during a college party in his early twenties, and while watching Brazilian fart porn during his 30s and 40s.

 

Physical

Inspection:  obvious raging erection is a key physical finding in the examination process.  Flesh need not be fully exposed to the medical professional for accurate detection.

Palpation:  a rigid erection will be felt upon stroking the organ.

Differential Diagnoses

Phone in pocket with protruding antenna.

Lab Tests

Blood work.

Porphobilinogen (PBG) measurement.

Nocturnal Penile Tumescence (NPT) Test - a device around the penis during sleep that detects changes in girth and relays the information to a computer for later analysis.

Erection Self Test (EST) - 1 cent stamps are bought in a roll.  A string of several of these stamps are wrapped around the mid shaft of the penis.  They are moistened and allowed to form a continuous ring around this portion of the penis.  Intermittently, the man checks to see if the strip of stamps is broken.  If so, this indicates that the shaft of the penis has swelled and hardened at some point.  If the stamps remain unbroken, no erection has occurred.

 

Imaging

Dopplar Ultra Sonography to view blood flow through the penile shaft.

Penile Radiograph.  See X-ray below:

Treatment

"Do you have Bonair's? Let me help you with that."

 

Alternative Care

Take a piss

Hire a prostitute

Use a fleshlight

Choke the chicken

Insert your member between two soft couch cushions

Insert your member into a warm apple pie

Insert your member into an attractive willing female companion's orifice

Insert your member into the orifice of an unattractive willing female with at least one redeeming quality

Medication

High quantities of alcohol

Trojan Extended Pleasure condoms

Cold weather

Swimming pool

Other dudes

Ugly bitches

Complications

When an erection lasts for longer than four hours the blood trapped in the penis is deprived of oxygen which can begin to damage or destroy penile tissue leading to disfigurement.

Public shaming and embarassment.  To prevent detection in public, a man riddled with Bonair's would be wise to secure his shaft in the "headlock" position.

Blue balls.

 

Prognosis

The prognosis depends on the duration of symptoms, the patients age, and the underlying pathology.  The time to treatment is the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT FACTOR affecting the outcome of Bonair's.  Education is the best way to avoid undesirable outcomes.  Females especially should become familiar with the symptoms so that they may immediately apply the antidote upon detection of Bonair's.

 

Prevention

Current technologies have not evolved fast enough to prevent this pandemic.  Men must learn to recognize Bonair's when they have it and women must have the know-how to administer the antidote at any given time.