Showing posts with label Bonair's. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bonair's. Show all posts
Friday, April 10, 2015
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Positively Progressing from the Perils of Paunch
A Memoir by Louis DiFez
As 2013 A.D. ended as devastatingly as it began, I reviewed the year in my life thus far. I am in the process of accomplishing my goals: I will be graduating with my Doctorate in Podiatric Medicine in May 2014, the KeyPAP flourishes brightly as ever, and overall I am happy with my life and the direction that it is in. However, as I perused the annals of my individual 2013 history, I came to a part in my life that I was extremely dissatisfied, and, frankly, thoroughly disgusted with.
The paunch.
In its noun form, it means “a large and protruding belly; a potbelly.” Or also, in nautical terms, “a thick mat that prevents chafing.” I believe the first is more appropriate.
I let myself go. I became lazy, unenthused, and bored with exercising. In 2013, I viewed working out not as a goal to continually better myself, but as an obstacle that lay between my studying, eating, and facebooking. Luckily, two things changed my thoughts:
#1 – Consistent harassment from the Founding Fathers of the KeyPAP.
Harassment not in the sense of, “I’m going to file charges against you for harassing me and saying mean things and I am not MAN enough to handle it.” But the good kind. The kind that stirs in your loins, lights a fire from deep within, and looks to expel all of the terrible things inside of you in order to make yourself the best possible human. Dr. Funk, Smits, the First Ladies, and lastly, The One Known as Beebles (TOKaB, for short) all constantly harassed me, and rightly so. I was still muscular, but shapeless. I had a midsection of Play-Doh®. I felt as doughy as an uncooked stromboli. I needed the abuse, I thrived off the abuse, and I turned it from a negative to a positive.
#2 – Smits MANLY performance as the first ever KeyPAP 2013 Strongman Performance of the Year.
We all saw the videos, heard the grunts of pain and agony, but reveled in his strength and mastering of the perilous weights. He achieved victory as only a man of the KeyPAP can: through a skin-tight, nearly bulge-showing, wrestling singlet. Smits was a man of action, and I wanted it back.
I yearned for the sound of iron. I missed the feel of the cold, never wiped-down, probably loaded with tetanus and MRSA, steel on my hands. I pined as I would get ready to shower, seeing the abomination that I had become. “If I don’t think I look good, surely the opposite sex thinks I’m revolting,” thoughts ran through my head. I needed to change.
I began to eat healthier and less. I also began running to the gym from my Philadelphia house. And when at the gym, I worked out like the old days of college - like a MAN. No more of this, “I think I’m going to do 3x20 bench press of 135 lbs.” crap. I began to bulk back up, like only a meatball can.
I am still in the process of changing my lifestyle and body, but I am fully committed. 2014 will be the year that the paunch is defeated. Even as I sit here now, my muscles call out from within to be burned. As the great Arnold once eloquently stated:
I will leave you all with 2 inspirational quotes that I use daily, while in the process of Purging the Paunch™.
“Be strong and of a good courage. Act for the best, hope for the best, and take what comes . . . If death ends all, we cannot meet death better.” – James Fitzjames Stephen
“Time for dem gymtitties!” – Me
As 2013 A.D. ended as devastatingly as it began, I reviewed the year in my life thus far. I am in the process of accomplishing my goals: I will be graduating with my Doctorate in Podiatric Medicine in May 2014, the KeyPAP flourishes brightly as ever, and overall I am happy with my life and the direction that it is in. However, as I perused the annals of my individual 2013 history, I came to a part in my life that I was extremely dissatisfied, and, frankly, thoroughly disgusted with.
The paunch.
In its noun form, it means “a large and protruding belly; a potbelly.” Or also, in nautical terms, “a thick mat that prevents chafing.” I believe the first is more appropriate.
 |
| "This turtleneck is so good at being thick and the prevention of chafing. I get Bonair's every time I put it on!" |
I let myself go. I became lazy, unenthused, and bored with exercising. In 2013, I viewed working out not as a goal to continually better myself, but as an obstacle that lay between my studying, eating, and facebooking. Luckily, two things changed my thoughts:
#1 – Consistent harassment from the Founding Fathers of the KeyPAP.
Harassment not in the sense of, “I’m going to file charges against you for harassing me and saying mean things and I am not MAN enough to handle it.” But the good kind. The kind that stirs in your loins, lights a fire from deep within, and looks to expel all of the terrible things inside of you in order to make yourself the best possible human. Dr. Funk, Smits, the First Ladies, and lastly, The One Known as Beebles (TOKaB, for short) all constantly harassed me, and rightly so. I was still muscular, but shapeless. I had a midsection of Play-Doh®. I felt as doughy as an uncooked stromboli. I needed the abuse, I thrived off the abuse, and I turned it from a negative to a positive.
#2 – Smits MANLY performance as the first ever KeyPAP 2013 Strongman Performance of the Year.
We all saw the videos, heard the grunts of pain and agony, but reveled in his strength and mastering of the perilous weights. He achieved victory as only a man of the KeyPAP can: through a skin-tight, nearly bulge-showing, wrestling singlet. Smits was a man of action, and I wanted it back.
I yearned for the sound of iron. I missed the feel of the cold, never wiped-down, probably loaded with tetanus and MRSA, steel on my hands. I pined as I would get ready to shower, seeing the abomination that I had become. “If I don’t think I look good, surely the opposite sex thinks I’m revolting,” thoughts ran through my head. I needed to change.
I began to eat healthier and less. I also began running to the gym from my Philadelphia house. And when at the gym, I worked out like the old days of college - like a MAN. No more of this, “I think I’m going to do 3x20 bench press of 135 lbs.” crap. I began to bulk back up, like only a meatball can.
I am still in the process of changing my lifestyle and body, but I am fully committed. 2014 will be the year that the paunch is defeated. Even as I sit here now, my muscles call out from within to be burned. As the great Arnold once eloquently stated:
I will leave you all with 2 inspirational quotes that I use daily, while in the process of Purging the Paunch™.
“Be strong and of a good courage. Act for the best, hope for the best, and take what comes . . . If death ends all, we cannot meet death better.” – James Fitzjames Stephen
“Time for dem gymtitties!” – Me
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Worldwide Pandemic: Do You Have Bonair's?
Recently every single member of the Keystone Professional Association of Pennsylvania came down with recurring bouts of Acute Onset Bonair's Disease, or Bonair's for short. What are the signs of this devastating illness and what can you do to prevent it? You've come to the right place to learn, ye olde loyal readers.
On average 99.9% of males on Earth are victims of Bonair's. Eunuchs and diabetics comprise the 0.1% of the unafflicted male population.
Bonair's is painful at onset, but has an almost nonexistent mortality/morbidity rate. One notable exception is that one sex scene in Golden Eye where Xenia Onatopp squeezes the life out of that guy with a beard while trying to administer the antidote. More on that later . . .
Bonair's afflicts unsuspecting males all over Earth, regardless of race and age (provided the male has already reached puberty).
There are two common causes of Bonair's. The first is a reflex erection caused by a full bladder because of nerve stimulation in the spinal cord, which is most common upon wakening. The second is also a reflex erection, but it is caused by physical or psychological stimulation increasing blow flow to spongy tissues in the penis. Consequently the blood engorged penis becomes grossly erect.
Background
Bonair's is defined as the involuntary engorging of the penile tissue. It is sometimes unrelated to sexual stimulation. For example, one may find upon waking up that he has a raging boner.Pathophysiology
Erection is the result of smooth-muscle relaxation and increased arterial flow causing engorgement and rigidity. See image below: | |
| "Awww SHIT, I got Bonair's again!" |
Epidemiology
Frequency of Bonair's is three to five times a night during REM sleep, upon wakening, and throughout the day whenever a man is exposed to titillating visual or psychological stimuli. It typically persists from puberty until death.On average 99.9% of males on Earth are victims of Bonair's. Eunuchs and diabetics comprise the 0.1% of the unafflicted male population.
Bonair's is painful at onset, but has an almost nonexistent mortality/morbidity rate. One notable exception is that one sex scene in Golden Eye where Xenia Onatopp squeezes the life out of that guy with a beard while trying to administer the antidote. More on that later . . .
Bonair's afflicts unsuspecting males all over Earth, regardless of race and age (provided the male has already reached puberty).
There are two common causes of Bonair's. The first is a reflex erection caused by a full bladder because of nerve stimulation in the spinal cord, which is most common upon wakening. The second is also a reflex erection, but it is caused by physical or psychological stimulation increasing blow flow to spongy tissues in the penis. Consequently the blood engorged penis becomes grossly erect.
History
Patients with Bonair's report recurring unwelcome erections. Bonair's usually manifests itself in an episodic manner. The physical stimuli may change over time, but the symptoms remain the same throughout one's life. For example, a man may have had bouts of Bonair's while looking at his father's hidden Playboy magazines in his teenage years, while courting a co-ed during a college party in his early twenties, and while watching Brazilian fart porn during his 30s and 40s.
Physical
Inspection: obvious raging erection is a key physical finding in the examination process. Flesh need not be fully exposed to the medical professional for accurate detection.
Palpation: a rigid erection will be felt upon stroking the organ.
Differential Diagnoses
Phone in pocket with protruding antenna.
Lab Tests
Blood work.
Porphobilinogen (PBG) measurement.
Nocturnal Penile Tumescence (NPT) Test - a device around the penis during sleep that detects changes in girth and relays the information to a computer for later analysis.
Erection Self Test (EST) - 1 cent stamps are bought in a roll. A string of several of these stamps are wrapped around the mid shaft of the penis. They are moistened and allowed to form a continuous ring around this portion of the penis. Intermittently, the man checks to see if the strip of stamps is broken. If so, this indicates that the shaft of the penis has swelled and hardened at some point. If the stamps remain unbroken, no erection has occurred.
Imaging
Dopplar Ultra Sonography to view blood flow through the penile shaft.
Penile Radiograph. See X-ray below:
Penile Radiograph. See X-ray below:
Treatment
 |
| "Do you have Bonair's? Let me help you with that." |
Alternative Care
Take a piss
Hire a prostitute
Use a fleshlight
Choke the chicken
Insert your member between two soft couch cushions
Insert your member into a warm apple pie
Insert your member into an attractive willing female companion's orifice
Insert your member into the orifice of an unattractive willing female with at least one redeeming quality
Medication
High quantities of alcohol
Trojan Extended Pleasure condoms
Cold weather
Swimming pool
Other dudes
Ugly bitches
Complications
When an erection lasts for longer than four hours the blood trapped in the penis is deprived of oxygen which can begin to damage or destroy penile tissue leading to disfigurement.
Public shaming and embarassment. To prevent detection in public, a man riddled with Bonair's would be wise to secure his shaft in the "headlock" position.
Blue balls.
Prognosis
The prognosis depends on the duration of symptoms, the patients age, and the underlying pathology. The time to treatment is the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT FACTOR affecting the outcome of Bonair's. Education is the best way to avoid undesirable outcomes. Females especially should become familiar with the symptoms so that they may immediately apply the antidote upon detection of Bonair's.
Prevention
Current technologies have not evolved fast enough to prevent this pandemic. Men must learn to recognize Bonair's when they have it and women must have the know-how to administer the antidote at any given time.
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