After dedicating several of his precious minutes on Earth studying the content of the popular website's top articles, Smits now believes he has what it takes to become a BuzzFeed "writer." That's right, ye olde readers, a few minutes is all the time it takes to be good at something. Malcolm Gladwell and his 10,000 hours can drink my grundle juice.
KeyPAP encourages our readers to vote for your favorite article idea by writing in the comments section below. If you choose the winning article, Smits will personally deliver you a swift kick to the cunt!
16 Reasons A Show You Watched A Couple Times During Your Childhood But Barely Remember Makes Your Generation Way Better Than The Current Generation
Remember that you enjoyed watching reruns of Growing Pains or Step By Step when you were a little kid? Yeah, those shows were way better than today's shows. I said it, so it's true.
22 Ways Being a [insert common profession here] Makes You Better Than Everyone Else And They Had Better Appreciate You Now
The only thing Facebook-addicted nurses and social workers like more than helping others is making sure everyone knows they're helping others.
25 Sluts You Probably Contracted Syphilis From If You Went to [insert large university here]
Thank you, JuicyCampus
14 Of The Cutest Cat Faces
Sad, happy, confused . . . it doesn't matter, the single female 30 and 40somethings will eat this shit up faster than you can say "spinster."
9 Reasons Why [insert celebrity here] Is Seriously The Best Person Ever
Did you fantasize about thrusting your meat stick through Angelina Jolie's beef curtains when you were a teenager? Did you know she adopted a shit ton of little black babies? She was hot and appears to be a good person based on what Us Weekly writes about her. BEST. PERSON. EVER. Don't worry, I'll be sure to upload every hard nipple/pouty lip photo of her you ever jerked off to.
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| It's working isn't it? |
11 Ways Liking [Insert poular generagtion y children's movie here] Makes You Unique
Remember Toy Story? I fucking loved that movie when I was a kid! Since it was popular and taught us moral lessons which seem to trouble the world now, it makes me super unique. Wait . . . what were those morals again? Let me Google them real quick.
101 Recycled Memes I Found On The Internet But Didn't Cite
I collected every meme my "friends" ever posted on Facebook, and put them into this article. It was a lot of hard work saving each file.
An Elderly Woman Walked Into The Grocery Store To Buy Peanuts, But You'll Never Guess What Happened Next
Hinting at an ironic twist? Check. It doesn't even matter what happened next. She could have just paid for the peanuts and walked out of the store. As long as you get a picture of an old broad with a bag of peanuts in her hands and post the link on Facebook, we get more traffic. That's all that really matters in the end. Gotta pay the bills, homeboy.
69 Of The [Greatest or Worst] Things That Could Possibly Happen to a[Teen/20something/30something] from [insert state or city here]
Are you a 19 year old dude who grew up in Pittsburgh? What if they made the Squirrel Hill Tunnel a couple feet wider so that every shitty motorist on the Parkway didn't get claustrophobia at the tunnel approach and slam on their breaks . . . wouldn't that be the BEST GOD DAMN THING EVER? Fuck, I'm getting a half-chub just thinking about it.
The Most [Inspirational/Disturbing] Video You'll Ever See About Cat Vaginas
Women love cats and men love vaginas. It's biology, idiot. "But how could a video about cat vaginas be inspirational?" Exactly . . . *click*
500 Cats That Will Make You Go LOLZ
Cat pictures with cute captions that someone else wrote. It's spinster heaven and that lifestyle is totally in these days.
17 Reasons All Men Should Act More Like [insert effeminate, submissive, diffident male character from popular '80s, '90s, or 2000s sitcom]
e.g. Ross or Chandler from Friends, Robert from Everybody Loves Raymond, Carlton from Fresh Prince, Corey from Boy Meets World, etc.
41 Facts About You That Make You Just Fine The Way You Are
Forget that New Year's resolution to lose 20 lbs, don't you know that beauty is on the inside? Also, please don't look at my next article.
The 20 Hottest Actresses Of All Time But Forgot About . . . Until Now
This article doesn't even require a single written word, just stolen pictures of a few actresses showing sideboob or rock hard nips. Genius!
Wow, Just Wow
This is a nauseating phrase parotted by those in exasperation over a controversial topic. If I just use the phrase as the title and put a picture of someone like Barack Obama or Bill O'Reilly in the link, I'll be sure to get like a zillion pageviews!
If You Don't Like This Video You Don't Have A Soul
Everyone wants to be "liked" (lulz). I'll just use a title that plays on their insecurities and link to some emotional video like Kony 2012 or a Dove fat chick commercial.
Thanks for reading, everybody. Let me know which ideas you like best!
What's Buzzfeed?
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