In this edition of the KeyPAP perspective series we will be taking a closer look at Milk, and I will show you why milk is in fact, Weird. Unfortunately for our regular readers across the globe I will be restraining myself, with no small effort, from using the salty language that you all are accustomed to. For this I apologize, but I feel that this message must be suitable for the masses. As for why salty language is not suitable for the masses, well that is a topic for future perspective series articles, but I digress.
Many young children have been encouraged to drink their milk regularly so that they will grow big and strong. Regular Milk consumption has been encouraged to help form strong bones. In practice, however, it has been observed that not only is milk bad for your bones, and a poor source of calcium for the body, but that it may actually increase your risk of fracture. That, of course, is not what this article is about. If you would like to learn more about why milk may be detrimental to your health then click here. This article will be focused on the less important yet more entertaining issue of how weird milk is and why everyone ignores it.
The first point I would like to make against cow’s milk is that this is what a cow looks like:
It is truly a filthy disgusting animal. When most people think about cows they think of the black and white cartoon drawing of a cow on their milk carton. It is some abstract thought that they associate with milk, like a logo. A cow is not a logo, it is a real, huge, smelly, gross animal with machines sucking liquid out of a smelly swollen veiny pouch between its legs. That should be enough to help you understand that milk is weird but I shall continue.
Milk itself is not weird when used for its real purpose. When babies drink their mother’s milk it’s awesome. The mother produces the perfect food to help her baby grow, a food completely designed for babies with the perfect amount of nutrients, immune boosting bacteria, and the like. It’s really incredible. What blows my mind is that people, at some point, decided that we should start drinking cow milk, designed for baby cows. This must have seemed preposterous the first time someone drank it. I have to believe it was in some sort of survival scenario. Over the years it seems that humans have not even made a valid attempt to make milk any less weird. It’s stored in a waxy cardboard box for god’s sake. Even crazier is the fact that human milk is now considered more disgusting than cow’s milk. Think about it, if you let your child go over to his friend’s house and his father said, “well for breakfast we gave them some cheerios with some organic breast milk” I think that father would probably have charges pressed against him. He would be considered a sociopath if not a borderline criminal because he offered your child milk from a human instead of a fat corn fed anonymous cow from god knows where.
Do you know where human milk comes from? It comes from the most publicized, shown off, and obsessed-over part of the female body. But it is somehow considered disgusting to the general public (to be clear, I am not in favor of drinking breast milk as an adult; I’m just highlighting the fact that it should definitely seem less weird than drinking cow’s milk). I dare you to go to a farm, find a cow, take a big whiff of its essence, and look it straight in the udders. Then say, "I’d like to drink whatever liquid leaks out of that!" Now human milk is for babies and jokes in movies. I saw a movie where a man drinks breast milk by accident and in the TV version of the movie that part was cut out! He drank it from a glass and all they did was say it was breast milk and they cut it from the movie. Hypocritical? Maybe if you have ever seen a commercial with The Rock's upper lip smeared with the remnants of whole milk or watched an Indianapolis 500.
In conclusion I hope that you have come to understand that cow’s milk is weird and that no human should ever drink it. I would be lying if I told you that I am never going to drink cow’s milk again, but I will at least feel ashamed of myself when I do. And that, I think, is better.
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