Once More, Unto the Breach: Fez-isms, Speak Like the Sexual Satch, Yahmsayin?

by Louis "Satchel" DiFez

Before we begin, let us venture deep unto the breach of my mind. We need something to set the mood, so go ahead and press play.

Ohhhh yeahhhhhh.  Uhhhhhhhh.

Let me preface this whole article with one simple, unmistakable fact:  I am a weird person.  I make funny mouth noises, I have strange thoughts, and I will say literally anything that I am thinking.  I am a weirdo, and I have no problem admitting that.

However, I feel as if my good friends have no idea what I am saying most of the time.  Or if they do know what I am saying, they have no idea what I actually mean.  Oddly enough, I usually have no idea what I mean either, until I sit down and think about it.  I have made it my goal to not only illuminate you on what I say and what it means, but for me to personally reflect on the crap that I say and what it really means to me.

Thus, I give you my baby:  Fez-isms.

Yahmean

Contraction for “do you know what I mean?”
Example: Let’s go hunting for the ladies tonight, yahmean?

Yahmsayin

Contraction for “do you know what I am saying?”
Example: “Dude, she looked so hot that I blew it real quick, yahmsayin?”

Doe

Word substitute for “though”
Example: “I’ma put the team on my back, doe.”

Jawn

A female, particularly of ample attractiveness.
Example: “Hey man, check out that jawn over there.  She got that big ol’ booty.”

"Yeah, I got that big ol' booty."

Fux wit it

It actually doesn’t mean what you think, but it also can mean exactly what it sounds like, depending on its usage.  Normally, I intend it to mean “Do you want to do this specific thing?” However, it can mean exactly what it sounds like, fux’n wit it, fux’n on them jawns, yahmean?
Example: “Hey, you tryna fux wit dinner tonight?”  “Yeah brah, does 6pm sound good?”

69/69 style

It is clearly referencing the best sensual position.  69 is also the best number, other acceptable numbers are 6.9, 6969, or anything ending with 69.
Example: “Dude, how many beers did you drink last night?”  “Like 69, brah.”

Veiny

From the movie “Waiting” where it is used in the context of the bat-wing scrotum and it is exclaimed, “Ohhh, it’s so veinyyyy!” Generally, veiny is a positive thing, kind of like loins, which will be covered shortly.  Anything that you’re excited about can be veiny, and also, anything that is appropriately literally veiny may also be veiny as well.
Example: “Yo how excited are you that it’s Friday?” “Ohhhh, it makes me so veinyyy.”

Bonair’s

My personal favorite, it means exactly what it sounds like: boner.  However, I did not come up with this. The one known as Dr. Funk devised its name.  The story goes as follows: while in Spring Mills, PA for a weekend, Funk was laying with the First 1st Lady of the KeyPAP, Troltits.  As I lay in bed, I heard him speak tenderly to the Trol, “I have Bonair’s disease.” I immediately began crying laughing, as it was the funniest thing I’ve heard in a while.  This was inserted instantly in my everyday vernacular.  However, it became modified, which I will take credit for.  Acute Onset Bonair’s is the blood flow type, as caused by a jawn.  Chronic Bonair’s is of the morning variety, usually due to bladder backup.  For more information on Bonair’s, check this out.  Lately, I have been using it in conjunction when I am excited about something, I say that it gives me “the thickest of Bonair’s.”
Example: “Finally being able to go out every weekend gives me the thickest of Bonair’s!”

Yarp

Yes (said in a vague pirate accent) – taken from the movie “Hot Fuzz.” If you have not seen this movie, you should definitely be all up in that.
Example: “Are you gonna drink some beers tonight?” “Yarp.”

Narp

No (said in a vague pirate accent) – again, from “Hot Fuzz.”
Example: “Are you gonna drink some jawn-drinks tonight?” “Narp.”

Brah

Substitute for “bro.” One of your boys.
Example: “What up, brah?”

"Nothin's up, you stupid sumbitch.  And that's the bottom line!"

I smell ya

Substitute for “I understand what you are saying.”
Example: “I sucked at golf today.”  “Me too, man, I smell ya.”

Bukkake Salad

Probably my newest and not frequently used.  Blowing a hot, sticky one and/or a multitude of bukkakes. For those of you who do not know what a “bukkake” is, go on the tremendously educational Urban Dictionary and check it out for yourself.  Fun fact:  in my younger days I thought “bukkake”
(correctly pronounced boo-kah-key) was actually pronounced “buh-cake.” Stupid . . . I know.
Example 1: “Dude, I heard you and Molly hooked up!”  “Yeah bro, straight up bukkake salad errwhere, yahmean?"
Example 2: “I gave her the sweet bukkake salad last night like BLLLAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!  All over the place, baby!”

Bung/Bunghole

The anal sphincter, the entrance to the brown highway, the butthole.
Example: “I poop out the bung.”

Loins

For the most part, I mean it as my reproductive organ.  However, it can mean any part of your body.
Example: “My loins tingle in anticipation of tonight.”

I also like to use Olde English (O-E baby!) words, such as:  Ye, Thy, Doth, Mine (as in mine own), etc. Welp, that’s about it for now.  The single most important factor in using my Fez-isms is:  embrace the weirdness. Also, it is important to give credit when credit is due, i.e. the Bonair’s with Dr. Funkteets. Lastly, all words can be used in conjunction with others, and obviously this is highly encouraged.  As I develop more weird phrases/words, I will surely post them at once.

Good luck, I hope they work out for you, and may the jawn be wit you, doe.