Previously: Part III
8:00 AM day 18 with the Aliens
I was dreaming that I was on top of the Hell in a Cell and the Undertaker was about to throw me 20-feet to the table below. I tried to stop it but his strength was too much, I felt my center of gravity float as I plummeted to the earth.“Damn, what are they feeding you, you stupid piece of monkey garbage, you shit bigger than a horse at a golden corral.”
I did not know where he was getting these phrases but he said them with such conviction I swear he could channel the spirit of Stone Cold himself.
He looked at me and said, “I got the matches if you wanna watch some ass whoop'ns.”
For the next two weeks Stone Cold ET and I watched WWE matches all day long. His favorite wrestler by far was Stone cold Steve Austin and I think I offended him once when I showed some slight admiration to his least favorite wrestler, The Rock. When I told him that the Rock would become much more popular than Stone Cold he told me, “Those other humans must be twice as stupid with half the balls as you, you bag of monkey shit.” He knew my name was Terry, but mostly I was various forms of monkey shit. Stone Cold ET was infatuated with the hulking physiques of the wrestlers in the movies. Most of the people on his planet were frail beyond comprehension because of the lack of physical work they had to do. I showed him how to do some basic muscle building exercises like pull ups and pushups. Because his body was so unaccustomed to physical work it began to respond very rapidly, much more rapidly than any human would expect. After just two weeks he had a body that would rival the Ultimate Warrior’s! In that time he told me that the other aliens were impressed with humans’ ability to achieve beyond their means and intended to find out what it was that helped us do so, and that to figure it out I would likely be killed. I could tell that he was upset by this. We were actually having a lot of fun watching the matches together, and I found Stone Cold ET and his hatred for the Rock to be hysterical.
8:00 AM day 42 with the Aliens
“Wake up you floating pile of monkey turds, I got an idea!”ET came storming into the room muscles blaring with a makeshift pair of jean shorts and a bad replica of Steve Austin’s vest.
“I think I can save you, you no good sumbitch. If I send you back in time I think I can get you back to Earth.”
I knew that even though Stone Cold ET was retarded on his planet that he was much smarter than I was. I also knew that time travel into the past was impossible.
“Stone Cold ET, you can’t time travel into the past. Even if you could how would you know where to send me?”
“Stop flappin’ your gums and listen to me you stupid sack o’ monkey goddamn sumbitch. I said we can send you back in time, just because your dumb ass didn’t figure it out yet don’t mean it can’t happen. And as for that other stuff, those guys already got all that figured out about when you left and where you came from. You had a calendar, and clocks and shit in the ship, we ain’t no stupid piles of wastewater like yourself.”
Perhaps Stone Cold ET was smarter than I was giving him credit for. The accent made it nearly impossible to assume otherwise. I started to have some hope but it was dashed by the thought that if they did have time machines they would likely be heavily guarded. The chances that two idiots, by their standards, could hatch a plan to get out seemed impossible. I voiced this concern to Stone Cold ET.
“You think you got it all figured out don’t you, ya stupid S.O.B. but did ya ever stop and think for a minute? This place is heavily guarded, on the outside. You are what they are guarding you dumb pile of monkeys ass. We are inside, we have a one way ticket to the time machine.”
“What do you mean we?”
“I’m the toughest S.O.B. to ever walk the light of day on this fucking planet and they treat me like some dumb pile of monkey shit like yourself. I’m hitching my wagon and coming with you to Earth. WHAT? I said I’m comin’ with you to Earth. WHAT? I said I’m comin’ with you to Earth, and that’s the bottom line.”
I did not see Stone Cold ET for the next two days. He was busy setting the time machine for October 2014. I wanted to go back to that day when I watched the time travel documentary. Hopefully I would be able to push myself in a more fruitful direction. I sat in that room skeptical that the plan would work and hoping that Donny and Cher didn’t have me killed by then. The last month was probably the best month I had had in the last fourteen years. I spent it with a special needs alien who had an affinity for role play but I figure he was probably the best friend I’ve ever had.
8:00 AM day 44 with the Aliens
Stone Cold ET came bursting into the room in his usual fashion. He was sweating profusely, I think. I don’t really know if they sweat or not. It seems equally probable that he was just taking his Stone Cold act to a new level. He even tried to smash a ridiculous looking knee brace onto his little nub of a leg. He threw me a bag. In the bag was a black vest with CAKEBREAD 3:16 written crudely in some make shift glitter on the side. There was a pair of cutoff jean shorts in there as well. As I got dressed in my apparent uniform I noticed some cans in the bottom of the bag.“What are these cans for?” I asked.
“What’s the matter? You ain’t never seen a god damn beer before you pussy?”
“Beer? You know how to make beer?”
“Just shut up and have at it boy, you’re gonna need your strength.”
I took a swig of the “beer” or from what I gathered a liquid he managed to get to look like beer. Fortunately Stone Cold rarely actually drank his beer, he just dumped it all over himself so I followed suit and was thankful for his wasteful ways. Stone Cold ET started trying to get me pumped up to take down the other aliens. This was our day and I knew that Stone Cold ET was getting fired up because he started mixing The Rock’s catchphrases with Stone Colds when he spoke.
“This is it you sack of monkey shit, we are gonna open up a can o’ Whoop Ass on them jabronis out there. We only have about fifteen minutes before they send the guards in after us if you smell what Stone Cold ET is cooking.”
“I think I’m ready. So you’re going to lead me out into the room and say we have a problem, then we ambush them?”
“Hell yeah, let’s get going, Earth better get ready cuz I’m gonna open up a can on its candy ass.”
We walked out into the hallway trying not to look suspicious. This was hard to accomplish considering we were wearing matching outfits. I drew stares from every alien we passed by but I did my best to look like Stone Cold ET's captive. We entered a large room filled with technological advancements I can only dream about to this day. ET motioned in the direction of the time machine and I saw it. On the outside it looked very plain, like a polished white box with nothing on it. The room was filled with other aliens. There must have been fifteen or twenty of them. I started to get nervous. I waited for Stone Cold ET to give the signal. He called Cher over. He did not speak because the language of the aliens is unspoken. He only used his crude Stone Cold speech with me. Without warning Stone Cold ET lifted his stubby little right leg off the ground and buried it into Cher’s midsection. Cher’s hair flew around his face as he bent forward in pain. Without hesitation Stone Cold ET had Cher’s head on his shoulder and delivered his first and most devastating stunner. Cher was knocked out cold and flew to the floor. Stone Cold ET stood up with his head flying side to side in a frenzy spraying spittle everywhere as he gave two glowing middle fingers to anyone he could see. This was our subtle signal. I sprinted toward Donny and heard alarms going off all around me.
Shit our time is running out.
I got to Donny and leveled him with a rock bottom. It was euphoric as I felt the power of my legs driving him into the ground. I was alive! I narrowly avoided disaster because Stone Cold ET saw that I used the move of his arch enemy and was not amused.
“You do that to one more of these here jabronis and I’m gonna open up a can on your ass.”
Noted, I moved around the room leveling aliens with DDT’s and piledrivers. I could see down the hallway armed aliens rushing toward us. Our time was running out. I looked across the room and saw Stone Cold ET delivering another devastating stunner to our rivals. He got up, pulled his alien beer out of his pocket, and began dousing himself with it, waving his free middle finger in the direction of the armed gaurds. Stone Cold ET was living his dream. I ran to the time machine and yelled for Stone Cold ET.
He threw me a beer and shouted, “Take that to remember me you hard headed sumbitch, I’m gonna open up a can on these guards to give you some time. I got it set for Earth already, just do what I told you and don’t flap your gums at me no more.”
Stone Cold ET was right, we didn’t have time. He ran to the first guard into the room and gave him the stunner. He lowered his face to within an inch of the unconscious alien’s head wielding dual middle fingers and said as spit flew everywhere, “This here is for my friend Terry, who believed in me unlike you ungreatful sack of monkey candy ass jabroni sumb–”
The second guard leveled a blast from his weapon that blew Stone Cold ET’s head clean off of his body. As his body fell to the floor his middle fingers still burned bright white at the tips, his spirit refusing to surrender. I closed the door to the time machine and heard a loud bang hit the wall. I had tears in my eyes and could barely compose myself. I followed the instructions given to me by Stone Cold ET and the machine began to move as I traveled back through time to a place I thought I would never see again.
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