Previously: Part II
8:00AM Day 2 with the Aliens
I sat in that room staring at the door waiting for it to open. This was exciting for me, when you have been sitting in the same room where nothing happens for fourteen years straight, staring at a door waiting for an alien to bust through wasn’t so bad. I sat watching the door for eight hours until it finally opened. ET looked like he was wearing a long black wig, I think it was just his hair.Do they have hair?
The long haired ET was carrying some of the food that was left on my ship and a bottle of the whisky. They must have assumed I needed these things to survive. He dropped it off next to me and walked out. This daily routine would go on for the next 2 weeks. At least I was drunk.
Sometimes two or three would come in at a time and stand around me. They looked like they were communicating with each other but they never made a sound. I was always uncomfortable when they walked into the room – who knew what they were planning to do with me. They mostly just brought me my food watched me eat it and left. There were three different aliens that tended to me and the only thing that I could distinguish them by was their hair. The one with the long black hair I nicknamed Cher, then there was one with a Donald trump sweeping comb over (Donny), and the standard bald ET. The bald ET was the one who got the daily honor of removing my shit from the corner of the room every day. I wondered if their hair was a sort of status symbol. I wondered a lot of things while I was in there, but mostly I was just drunk.
8:00AM Day 15 with the Aliens
“We would like to speak with you.”I opened my eyes. My head was pounding, I think I drank a little more than usual the night before.
Did Cher just talk to me?
“What did you say?”
“We would like to speak with you.”
How could they know English? There were many people on earth who couldn’t speak English and these people were certainly not from Earth.
“How do you know my language?” I asked Cher.
“It was quite difficult really, there are a lot of concepts that are foreign to us, like names and mathematical concepts. We were able to learn your language by watching your videos and reading your books and notes.”
“You learned my language by watching WWE and reading my notes?”
“Yes we did.”
“You definitely don’t talk the way they do on WWE.”
Cher gave a meaningful expression, I think, and said, “We were able to use the words and their context in the videos to cross reference your dictionary. This way we were able to learn the whole of your language and not just the dialect employed by your WWE.”
I was done; they could do what they wanted to me. What was I going to do to stop them? They figured out the English language in two weeks by watching wrestling with a dictionary that they presumably didn’t know how to read. They probably learned how to read from those goddamn signs. I couldn’t outsmart them. ET was definitely not the most physically intimidating specimen that I had ever seen but I still had no hope of overpowering them. In the last fourteen years I had achieved never before seen levels of skinny fat that would be appalling to most humans. I would have to just sit there and let them run their experiments on me.
“You have come an incredible distance with such crude technology.”
“My ship is crude? I spent years and years developing the most advanced spaceship ever seen on earth!”
“Yes, I understand but your people have very limited intelligence. Our kind don’t actually have to do calculations as you call them, we just understand math, or the convention of math that you on earth have created to understand certain things. It really is remarkable how humans were able to develop such a convention to allow them to understand what their limited minds cannot grasp. It would almost seem to require a higher intelligence to work with so little. What a paradox that is, isn’t it? Anyway your ship is very rudimentary but we are very pleased that it worked as well as it did. I’m sure deep space travel must have seemed nearly impossible to your kind.”
This was amazing, these people looked at me like a chimpanzee who found a way to pass high school with nothing but sign language and a diet of bananas, and everyone knows you can’t open a beer bottle with a banana.
“What do you call this planet?” I asked. Cher looked frustrated that he had to explain these things that he had already made clear, but he was talking to a fucking monkey after all.
“We do not have names. We just recognize things as they are. This is why we do not have spoken communication. We can look at each other and know exactly what the other desires us to know.”
I felt so stupid at this moment. I thought that this must have been what it felt like to know me back on earth. I discounted everything anyone else said to me in favor of my own theories. I talked down to everyone else and ejaculated my superiority all over the face of anyone who came to near my greatness.
Cher spoke again, “We do have one question for you. What is the purpose of this WWE?”
“It’s just entertainment for humans.”
“Yes, we were able to gather as much, but what is the function of entertainment?”
“It doesn’t really have a function, it’s more so that the audience can take a break from your functions.”
Cher looked confused for the first time.
“What about your fucking hair?” I blurted out, after all I had some questions of my own.
“Our hair is just that, hair. It distinguishes us, physically, from one another.”
Cher glanced at the others and they all turned to exit. I was left alone in the room once again.
8:00 AM day 17 with the Aliens
I was sleeping, dreaming about a life back on earth when I heard a loud voice calling toward me.“Wake your goofy ass up you stupid sumbitch.”
I must be dreaming
“I thought I made myself clear, I said wake your dumb ass up you stupid sumbitch for I hafta open up a can of Whoop Ass on your ass. They got me in hear cleaning up your goddam monkey shit again, and I got a few words to say to ya.”
It was ET and he was talking in a completely accurate impression of Stone Cold Steve Austin’s voice. He sounded angry, but I don’t know if he intended to.
“Why are you talking like that?” I asked.
Stone Cold ET was acting like a maniac. He was strutting around me swinging his arms back and forth with power in his stride.
“Let me tell you sumthin, and don’t you go flappin’ your gums while I’m talkin’ to ya. You see I’ve been watching that WWE that they have been talking soooo much about. You know it’s been causing quite a ruckus on our planet.”
“It has?”
“Shut up and listen when I’m talking to ya, I thought I warned ya ‘bout flappin’ those gums when I’m talkin’.”
ET was in a frenzy at this point, he had his hands on his knees and his face about an inch away from mine as he spoke to me.
“They keep yammerin’ about this entertainment thing you were talking about because they can’t understand the concept. I tried to talk to them about it but they just think I’m some stupid sumbitch who don’t know his ass from a hole in the wall.”
“Who can’t understand it? Cher?”
“Who the fuck is Cher?” ET bellowed as spittle covered my face.
“That’s a name I made up for the guy with the long black hair, the other one is Don, and I imagine I’ll be calling you Stone cold ET from now on.”
“Stone cold ET? Hell, you know what you sack of monkey shit, I think I like that. You’re god damn right that’s my name and that’s the bottom line. Like I said those ass wipes have been yammerin’ about this entertainment thing and they reckon I ain’t smart enough to help them. That’s why they got me in here wiping your shit outta the corner cuz they say I’m not much smarter than the god damn human. I think they might be right because I get it, I get entertainment. I got to watchin’ those big ol’ musclemen in that ring and couldn’t get enough. That Stone Cold is one tough S.O.B. and I decided I was goin’ to be just like him. If anyone wants to stand in my way of that then I have two cans of Whoop Ass I’ve been dyin’ to open up on ‘em.”
I didn’t know what to say. Here was an alien. A real goddamn alien that looked like fucking ET from the movie! And he was acting like Stone Cold Steve Austin. This was actually happening to me.
“What are they going to do to me?”
“I reckon you got about a month in your time before they split your ass to timber to figure out what makes you tick. Until then they will probably just run some tests on your ship and try to figure out which side of the Mississippi you came from.”
Stone Cold ET was clearly mixing phrases and confusing me in the process. What I did gather was that I had about a month to live on this planet before I was a dead man.
“Stone Cold ET, do you think you can bring in some of those matches to watch the next time you come in?”
“You're god damn right I can and that’s the bottom line.” His head was bobbing wildly side to side as he spoke. He started to walk toward the door.
“Stone cold, I have a question.”
“Then spit it out, or are ya too dumb to talk?”
“Did your people ever hear of Jesus?” I asked.
I don’t know what in the Christ you’re talkin’ about boy. What’d ya say ET? What? What’d ya say ET? What? Boy, you better not be getting smart with me or I’ll knock that stupid little smile clean off your face before you can count to two, and that’s the bottom line.”
“Yeah, I figured you didn’t.”
Stone Cold ET strutted feverishly toward the door and slammed it shut as he left. I liked him.
To be concluded . . .
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