Worldwide Pandemic: Do You Have Bonair's?

Recently every single member of the Keystone Professional Association of Pennsylvania came down with recurring bouts of Acute Onset Bonair's Disease, or Bonair's for short.  What are the signs of this devastating illness and what can you do to prevent it?  You've come to the right place to learn, ye olde loyal readers.

Background

Bonair's is defined as the involuntary engorging of the penile tissue.  It is sometimes unrelated to sexual stimulation.  For example, one may find upon waking up that he has a raging boner.

 

Pathophysiology

Erection is the result of smooth-muscle relaxation and increased arterial flow causing engorgement and rigidity.  See image below:

"Awww SHIT, I got Bonair's again!"

 

Epidemiology

Frequency of Bonair's is three to five times a night during REM sleep, upon wakening, and throughout the day whenever a man is exposed to titillating visual or psychological stimuli.  It typically persists from puberty until death.

On average 99.9% of males on Earth are victims of Bonair's.  Eunuchs and diabetics comprise the 0.1% of the unafflicted male population.

Bonair's is painful at onset, but has an almost nonexistent mortality/morbidity rate.  One notable exception is that one sex scene in Golden Eye where Xenia Onatopp squeezes the life out of that guy with a beard while trying to administer the antidote.  More on that later . . .

Bonair's afflicts unsuspecting males all over Earth, regardless of race and age (provided the male has already reached puberty).

There are two common causes of Bonair's.  The first is a reflex erection caused by a full bladder because of nerve stimulation in the spinal cord, which is most common upon wakening.  The second is also a reflex erection, but it is caused by physical or psychological stimulation increasing blow flow to spongy tissues in the penis.  Consequently the blood engorged penis becomes grossly erect.
 

History

Patients with Bonair's report recurring unwelcome erections.  Bonair's usually manifests itself in an episodic manner.  The physical stimuli may change over time, but the symptoms remain the same throughout one's life.  For example, a man may have had bouts of Bonair's while looking at his father's hidden Playboy magazines in his teenage years, while courting a co-ed during a college party in his early twenties, and while watching Brazilian fart porn during his 30s and 40s.

 

Physical

Inspection:  obvious raging erection is a key physical finding in the examination process.  Flesh need not be fully exposed to the medical professional for accurate detection.

Palpation:  a rigid erection will be felt upon stroking the organ.

Differential Diagnoses

Phone in pocket with protruding antenna.

Lab Tests

Blood work.

Porphobilinogen (PBG) measurement.

Nocturnal Penile Tumescence (NPT) Test - a device around the penis during sleep that detects changes in girth and relays the information to a computer for later analysis.

Erection Self Test (EST) - 1 cent stamps are bought in a roll.  A string of several of these stamps are wrapped around the mid shaft of the penis.  They are moistened and allowed to form a continuous ring around this portion of the penis.  Intermittently, the man checks to see if the strip of stamps is broken.  If so, this indicates that the shaft of the penis has swelled and hardened at some point.  If the stamps remain unbroken, no erection has occurred.

 

Imaging

Dopplar Ultra Sonography to view blood flow through the penile shaft.

Penile Radiograph.  See X-ray below:

Treatment

"Do you have Bonair's? Let me help you with that."

 

Alternative Care

Take a piss

Hire a prostitute

Use a fleshlight

Choke the chicken

Insert your member between two soft couch cushions

Insert your member into a warm apple pie

Insert your member into an attractive willing female companion's orifice

Insert your member into the orifice of an unattractive willing female with at least one redeeming quality

Medication

High quantities of alcohol

Trojan Extended Pleasure condoms

Cold weather

Swimming pool

Other dudes

Ugly bitches

Complications

When an erection lasts for longer than four hours the blood trapped in the penis is deprived of oxygen which can begin to damage or destroy penile tissue leading to disfigurement.

Public shaming and embarassment.  To prevent detection in public, a man riddled with Bonair's would be wise to secure his shaft in the "headlock" position.

Blue balls.

 

Prognosis

The prognosis depends on the duration of symptoms, the patients age, and the underlying pathology.  The time to treatment is the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT FACTOR affecting the outcome of Bonair's.  Education is the best way to avoid undesirable outcomes.  Females especially should become familiar with the symptoms so that they may immediately apply the antidote upon detection of Bonair's.

 

Prevention

Current technologies have not evolved fast enough to prevent this pandemic.  Men must learn to recognize Bonair's when they have it and women must have the know-how to administer the antidote at any given time.

The Game That Was Almost Forgotten

Cast in the shadows of other more important life events, the 2014 Penn Tower Classic Qualifier was an illustrious tournament that did not receive the news coverage that it deserved.  A homecoming of sorts, the KeyPAP clan returned to the illustrious Commonwealth of Pennsylvania to face off with the rest of the KeyPAP Tour for the right to compete in 2014's version of the most grueling tournament ever conceived - the Penn Tower Classic.  There were no crowds or reporters for this round of golf, but the talent level on display for the KeyPAP Tour's Penn Tower Classic Qualifier was evident yet again.

With three months for the competitors to recoup their mental faculties after the hellacious 2013 Penn Tower Classic, Beebles, Dr. Funk, Smits, and Fez took to the 4 star Toftrees Golf Club in State College, Pennslvania in hopes of continuing their dominance as the top foursome on the KeyPAP Tour.  The right to compete in the 2014 version of the Penn Tower Classic was up for the taking and no one wanted to let their chance at getting their name engraved on the PTC championship trophy slip away.

Fez came to the Qualifier with a chip on his shoulder after finishing last in this summer's Penn Tower Classic.  He took an early lead at #1 and stood atop the leaderboard for most of the day.  However, his actions at the previous KeyPAP meeting where he fell asleep during 2013 KeyPAP Band of the Year Big Feast's performance for the ages, he incurred a vicious punishment:  he would be subject to unlimited heckling from all other competitors while playing the final hole.  This punishment proved to be fatal as Dr. Funk unnerved Fez during each shot on #18.

While Fez took great strides to prove his worth on the KeyPAP Tour after a last place finish at the 2013 PTC, another competitor's stock plummeted.

It is well known that Drake started from the bottom now he here.  In polar opposite fashion, Beebles fell from his vulnerable position atop the KeyPAP Tour to the depths of complete and utter despair at this year's Qualifier.  He started the day in fourth place behind Fez, Dr. Funk, and Smits and stayed there for the remainder of the day without even threatening for a third place finish.  In fact, the 2013 El Campeon barely qualified for the 2014 Penn Tower Classic!  Three straight shots into the pond off the tee at #9 sealed his fate before he even got to the turn.  But be on the lookout for a rebound next summer at the 2014 PTC:  predators are most dangerous when wounded, and this cat sure doesn't like the taste of defeat.

Smits played much the same in the Qualifier as he did in at the 2013 PTC.  Inconsistent with an impressive birdie and several pars but also holes in excess of triple bogey.  But he stayed in the hunt long enough to take the lead at #17.  After hitting his best tee shot of the day to start #18 and the green jacket a few strokes away, however, he became more jittery than a junebug in a hen house.  He sailed his second shot over the green and onto the unforgiving mulch.  Several unsuccessful chip shots later he finally managed to get the ball onto the green, but by then it was too late to salvage his grasp on the lead.

Despite being down two strokes heading onto the tee at #18 and hooking his tee shot into the woods, Dr. Funk took a drop ball and placed a tremendous iron shot on the green for his third stroke while Smits faltered in the mulch.  With a crisp 2-putt he stood alone atop the leaderboard for the only time that day.  But he managed to do it at the only time that mattered:  the end.

With no one there to fully chronicle the five hours of elite athleticism and mental strain which took place at the PTCQ, we are only left with pictures.  Fear not, dear reader; though you won't be able to relive the experience of this event like you did the 2013 PTC, the pictures are as striking, graceful, and savage as a mountain lion.

Smits, Beebles, and Dr. Funk fuel themselves with Old Forge pizza and Busch Light prior to traveling to the PTCQ.

Fez ropes one onto the center of the fairway at #2.

An immaculate display of pure strength by Dr. Funk.  Notice the whip he creates in the shaft of his driver just before impact.

Beebles makes up for his sliced iron shot with a beautiful pitch onto the center of the green.

With unbreakable concentration, Fez lines up his putt.

Smits almost gets a hole-in-one at #3.  He went on to sink the birdie putt.

Despite being in questionable physical condition for this Qualifier, Fez led the tournament for most of the day.  Here we see his paunch in full display while waiting for the green to clear.

Smits coils back just before striking this tee shot at the dogleg left #5.

In this sequence, Beebles lines up and hits a lengthy putt.  Mere inches from a birdie against all odds, all he can do is laugh at how close he came.

Smits with a picture perfect follow through on this narrow tee shot through the woods.

Dr. Funk tees off at the picturesque #8.

Beebles crushes this tee shot into the night sky.

Beebles falters off the tee at #9.  Three times in a row he put his tee shot into the pond before he managed to put stroke number 7 across and onto the fairway.  He tries to laugh it off, but his body language confirmed that he was really crying on the inside.

Dr. Funk with an immaculate iron shot on #18.  This shot put him on the green and allowed him to overtake Smits on the last hole for the green jacket and #1 ranking on the KeyPAP Tour.