“Man is the cruelest animal.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche (Dummy)
Animals are better than people in a lot of ways. Ever since that Harambe bullshit I have been seeing a lot of these statements popping up. So true. Absolutely. Then the conversation really takes off when someone suggests that people are actually the WORST species on the planet and that it would be better if we didn’t exist at all. Profound. I am asking these people to take a step back from these views for a second in hopes that they will stop being such dummies. But animals don’t shoot each other!
“People speak sometimes about the 'bestial cruelty of man,' but that is terribly unjust and offensive to beasts, no animal could ever be so cruel as a man, so artfully, so artistically cruel.”
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky (Bigger Dummy)
Saying a slow, visually amusing creature like the sloth is better than a human because no animal ever dropped an atomic bomb is like saying a poorly assembled side table from Target is better than a space shuttle because side tables never explode. No shit. A side table can’t explode because it sucks, it needs a goddamn coaster to support a damp glass or else it falls apart in a heap of shitty fasteners and flake board. You know what else a side table can’t do? Break the shackles of gravity and fly through outer space, blurring the line between possible and impossible, quenching the great call of the unknown as man dares to create a future as limitless as the universe he plunges himself into!
“Animals don't hate, and we're supposed to be better than them.”
― Elvis Presley (Dummy)
That’s really all this comes down to. All the great qualities we love about animals are just a side effect of something they can’t do. You really think no other animal would have dropped an atomic bomb if they could have figured that shit out? Before you answer that I will have you know that I owned a dog once. I loved this dog and this dog loved me. When I left on vacation I made sure this dog was taken care of, fed, walked, the whole nine yards. Do you know what this dog did every time I went on vacation? It took a hot steamy dump right in the middle of my fucking floor. No not in the corner, hidden away from view. Right in the middle of a high traffic area, the dog wanted that butt baby to be seen. Think about that. A dog who LOVED me, shit right on my floor ON PURPOSE because he was just mildly upset. Can you imagine what kind of person it would take to shit the floor of someone they loved and then look them in the eye like they deserved it. We would lock up such a person, and for good reason. Is this the type of person that we would trust with an atomic bomb?
“All his life he tried to be a good person. Many times, however, he failed. For after all, he was only human. He wasn't a dog.”
― Charles M. Schulz (How could a dog be a good person? Dummy)
People kill in the name of religion, war, hate, animals kill to survive! Tell that to the squirrel corpse the stray cat left on my neighbors doorstep as a present. Do you know why animals don’t kill in the name of religion? Because they don’t have the capacity to question their existence, it’s also the reason why they don’t write books, drive cars, or ready shitty articles on the internet. There is a give and take here. Everything that makes humans better as a species also has a negative side. Thems the breaks. When you argue that animals are better than humans you are just arguing in favor of reduced ability. I mean people don’t have wings and we figured out how to fly better than the birds! But birds don’t explode. Touché.
“Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!”
― Stephen Colbert (American)
My least favorite version of the “people are worse than animals” crowd are the people who are against hunting. If you are a vegetarian, cool enjoy your soy stuff and vegetable medley, I respect your consistency. If you are against hunting for food and you still eat meat you are the worst, for a human I mean, you are still better than the animals you eat. I’d like to see how tough these hunters would be if the deer had guns. Well I would be exactly as fucking tough if they had guns because they are too dumb to use them. You could leave a truckload of loaded guns in the woods with a CGI video of how a deer could maneuver the guns in order to use them, and I would still be eating venison cheese steaks all year long. Next time you badmouth someone who hunts for their food while you sit there eating an omelet, keep in mind that the male chicks that don’t lay eggs get tossed down a metal chute that ends in them being ground up alive. It’s like Rob Zombie directed an Easter movie. Keep eating your eggs just don’t be such a hypocrite.
“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”
― Groucho Marx
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